Perks of Being A Teacher

Despite all appearances, there are in fact occasional perks to being a teacher. I was such an amateur I was missing out on one of these most essential of perks. I hadn't realized what I was missing until one teacher asked me to look over a couple of things her students had written. To make corrections I, of course, used mechanical pencil, my preferred writing tool. Preferred writing implement, even. Feel free to debate the merits of normal pencil or ink vs. mechanical pencil; an exercise in futility is still exercise.

When she saw what I had done, she said, "You know, you could have used red pen."

Red pen. The platinum card of writing utensils. The Excalibur of the literary set. The, you know, the best of some stuff to some other thing. I don't need to come up with my own analogies anymore: I get to use red pen to cross out other people's analogies.

I told her the only problem with such an upgrade: I didn't have a red pen. She promptly fished one out of her bag and gave it to me to keep. Wow, this takes editing to the extreme. Extreme editing! Taking the essaying world by storm! Extremely critical! Extreme editing! You don't argue with the red pen. It's so official. Truly, the red pen is mightier than the sword. Sure, swords can destroy people physically. Pffff. Big whoop. Red pens can destroy people emotionally and intellectually. If that's not why people become teachers, I must have missed the enormous Christmas bonus. (What if I did? Boy, would my face have matched my pen.)

But seriously, I've always enjoyed editing, and now I get to edit with a red pen. I have reached an entirely new level of job satisfaction. The last time school supplies had such a giddying effect on me, I woke up with a bottle of rubber cement stuck to my tongue and a Sharpie shoved up each of my nostrils. Wasn't 4th grade a trip?

Disclaimer: Don't eat rubber cement. You'll spoil your appetite for Elmer's Glue. And don't they still make specially scented markers for kids to scratch that nasal itch?