Monkey Defense

Recently, I blogged about the gravest yet coolest metallic threat to humanity since Mechagodzilla: Robochimps (small wonder then that "the first Mechagodzilla was created as a weapon of destruction by a race of ape-like aliens, sometimes known as Simians or the Black Hole aliens [emphasis added]"). After the horrifying video and my particularly chilling artist's rendering of the likely fate of the human race, you were all ready to swallow your cyanide pills and take your chances with an angry God.

Well, not ALL of you. Having been burned before by monkey-transmitted diseases, those troopers on the front line in Africa have turned the tables: "Humans Likely Making Chimps Sick."

As very few of you probably know, one of my dreams is to be a zeppelin pilot, which, while ridiculous, is feasible, considering they're still flown near Lake Constance in Germany. In case that isn't enough to convince you, I present another article as Exhibit B: "Could Zeppelins airships soon be gracing our skies again?" Through my staggering powers of deduction, I can tell you that the answer to that question is a resounding "YES." Rather than use my words, I will again resort to an infinitely more useful and amusing crudely drawn explanation:

Too many robochimps, not enough zeppelins?
Problem solved.

Robochimp

You have to see this, if only to prepare for the worst: Monkey's Brain Controls Robot Arm.

The phrase, "Monkeys have been able to control robotic limbs using only their thoughts, scientists report," is simultaneously the RADDEST and most FRIGHTENING thing I've ever heard (and subsequently seen: for some reason I couldn't view the video on the BBC site, so I googled one and believe you me, it will blow your feeble human mind).

If Cyborg Monkeys don't upset and/or excite you, you have no soul. While I support the concept of Cyborg Monkeys with every ounce of my being in theory, this is absolutely not the way to retain our spot at the top of the food chain. Sure, right now maybe they're only "able to use the robot arm to feed themselves treats," but what about when they crave more? What about when one "marshmallow" or a couple of "chunks of fruit" every 20 seconds no longer satisfies them? WHAT THEN?

Oh, I think you know what then:

Then they build little flying saucers and rocket launchers and ENSLAVE us. I always wanted to deliver giant bananas at rocket-point, wearing nothing but chains, to Cyborg Monkeys. Yeah, thanks a lot, science.