Birthday Cards

I had a good birthday. I got some solid gifts.

I got a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting from Two Fat Cats Bakery. My dad noted admiringly, "It tastes like a giant Funny Bone." True. A giant, delicious, handmade Funny Bone. I didn't put it in the fridge like last time, either.

I had some delicious, low-carbonation craft beers with friends at Gritty's. I hate carbonation.

I avoided all the storms while biking.

And best of all, I got some awesome handmade cards. Here's the card my sister made me (don't forget to click images to embiggen them and read the fine print):
My mom made me Ninja Turtles cakes when I was young, but I never got a "totally rad birthday 'za." Probably for the best.

My sister said she deliberately hid the hands and feet here since those are the features that give her the most trouble. I pointed out that that's true of professional comics artists, as well. Either way, she did a nice, subtle job of hiding the deformed extremities. I rate this card Totally Tubular, dude.

For purposes of comparison, here's a card I made for Stasia's birthday last year:

Sorry if that made you spill your coffee or gave you nightmares. Hopefully it's large enough that you can read the text, since that's much better than the image. I like the card in general, but I don't know what I was thinking when I drew that crazy-eyed close-up. I'll have to redo it with my improved mspainting skills, so as not to pervert the minds of innocents.

And here's a simply incredible card Stasia drew by hand and held up to her webcam so I could see it:

Whale done. (If you don't get that joke, try saying it the way Stasia would now: with a British accent. {And if you don't like that joke, kiss my blowhole.})

My Lost Examiner Article

As a follow-up to yesterday's rant about examiner.com, here's the infamous (in my own mind), never-posted second piece I wrote for the site. Was it unpublishable? You be the judge. Or the jury. Maybe I should call in some surprise witnesses to influence your decision, each more surprising than the last. Bring 'em in, boys!

Chocolate ice cream, peanut butter, and bourbon: a novel milkshake

In London, there's a chain of American-style diners called, appropriately, The Diner. The food is decent when you've got a craving for fare like hamburgers and mac and cheese or even a bottle of Sam Adams Boston Lager. Most importantly, though, The Diner serves "hard shakes," or alcoholic milkshakes, a market woefully untapped in America.

The best of the bunch is one made with vanilla ice cream, peanut butter, and Four Roses bourbon and called "The Colonel Parker," named after Elvis Presley's manager. (Was the Colonel fond of Four Roses? Was this a signature drink of his? I don't quite understand the reference, so please, enlighten me if possible.) Here’s a chocolaty homage to The Diner’s delightful drink, which should easily serve two.
Ingredients:

1-3 cups of chocolate ice cream
½-1 cup of peanut butter
¼-½ cup of milk
3-6 ounces (or 2-4 shot glasses) of bourbon
Optional: hot fudge (homemade or store-bought)

This is a simple and decadent treat to blend up at home. Combine the ingredients in any order in the blender (the superb Euro-Pro Ninja Master was used here) and pulse in 5 second intervals until there are no lumps. The amounts listed are a very rough guideline, so sample the shake as you’re making it and adjust proportions based on desired strength. For example, if you taste your shake and find the peanut butter is being drowned out, simply add another spoonful of peanut butter and blend again.

For this recipe I grabbed what was in the kitchen, but substitutions are easy and encouraged. I used a mix of the local Smiling Hill Farm’s Dark Chocolate ice cream, acquired at the ever-enticing Rosemont Munjoy Hill in Portland, and Stone Ridge Creamery’s Chocolate Fudge ice cream. The peanut butter was standard Jif. Organic might work, though the consistency and taste are different enough that there's no guarantee.

The hot fudge was homemade but any, or none, will do. The milk was fat free, but a drink like this practically begs for a higher fat content. As for choosing a bourbon, don't worry about getting fancy here. Unless you refuse to touch cheap bourbon, use something low-end for this recipe and save your top shelf liquor for a glass with a couple of ice cubes.

This is an excellent dessert with two caveats. First, the consistency was a little thin even with all the peanut butter, so suggestions for thickening homemade milk shakes without sacrificing flavor are very welcome. Second, generally speaking chocolate is superior to vanilla. In this case, however, an exception could certainly be made. Vanilla ice cream is milder, allowing the other ingredients in this shake to really shine, while chocolate was nearly overpowering. If, unlike me, you have vanilla ice cream, try the recipe with that (leave out the hot fudge if you do, naturally). Bottoms up!

Pie.

On Friday, the King Arthur Flour company, based in Vermont, took its baking demonstration road show to the Portland, ME Holiday Inn by the Bay, which also hosts the fantastic Chili and Chowder Challenge. The King Arthur people do free demos throughout the country with the opportunity to ask questions, and at the competitive price of $0.00 I couldn't pass up an excuse to leave the house in the middle of the day. I even slipped out of my old-man slippers and into my young-man sneakers. Plus I had visions of free samples floating in my head.

At noon they were demonstrating how to make tasty, flaky pie crust and chocolate tart crust. Stasia and I made some pie for Thanksgiving last year so, um, experts? But as the Germans say, "man lernt nie aus," aka "you never stop learning." I never even started learning, so this would be as good a time as any.

The conference room was good-sized and most of the seats were filled, so I'd say maybe 100 people were there. I stood in the back just to prove I could still stand, and I lowered the average visitor age by 20 years, easily. I suppose most youngsters (i.e. the non-retired) are either working or, I dunno, sleeping? at midday on a Friday, so I infiltrated the secret baking circle at great personal risk of embarrassment to bring you the hottest tips in pie-baking.

Our very nice, teachful teacher worked at the front of the room and we followed her movements on a projector screen (German word for projector: "der Beamer," which does in fact come from the verb "beamen," or, "to beam." The Germans are funny like that). We had little recipe/tip pamphlets so we could follow along. I wished I had brought a pen to take more notes but when I got home I jotted down as many tips as I could remember. Those tips will follow.

After the demonstration, during which our teacher made everything seem so simple that I was chomping at the bit to try it myself, just because I'd be a fool not to take advantage of a treat which practically bakes itself when under the manipulation of a trained professional and no one else, they had a raffle. They had bags of flour, boxes of mixes, and sundry nifty gifties to give away. I won a box of Cranberry-Orange scone mix, but I just quietly raised my hand instead of making a happy sound as suggested by the hosts. I thought about saying "happy sound" but I didn't want them to revoke my winning raffle ticket for mocking the system.

Scones are something Stasia and I learned to make from scratch in London (from our Taiwanese-Canadian roommate, C.J., naturally) but hey, free mix. On our way out, they also gave us little rubber scrapers (this sounds lame but makes me very excited to scrape and level and, well, maybe mix a little and that's it) and $10 gift cards (off a purchase of $20 or more, but flour never goes out of style).

So basically I made a tidy profit. And I'm likely to buy King Arthur Flour (again, since I'm sure we have some already) so good marketing ploy, King Arthur Flour. I haven't put my newfound pie knowledge to use yet, but when Stasia gets home tomorrow I promise that will change. Callaghan Test Pie on the horizon! That's all from your intrepid baking correspondent for now, so enjoy the tips I could remember, most of which are probably painfully obvious to those of you who use that mysterious organ in your heads for something other than storing Office Space trivia:

- Use butter, not something like shortening. Specifically cold, cold butter, along with ice cold water. You don't want the butter melting from over-working either. You want butter spots in your dough.

- Don't scoop flour directly with your measuring cup. This compresses the flour, meaning you scoop extra flour, which can really add up in a large recipe. Use a separate scoop to pour flour into your measuring cup, then use a flat surface (such as a handy dandy rubber scraper, boo-yah!) to scrape lightly across the top to level the flour.

- Another way to prevent bad measurements is to weigh your ingredients, which always wins out over just eyeballing if you want better quality. But it requires a kitchen scale and patience, neither of which I have in abundance.

- Here's a bad habit Stasia and I have: using the solids-measuring cups for liquid as well. To get the right amount with these measuring cups that come right to the top, you have to fill them straight to the top perfectly, which is hard to do and you're probably going to spill some before getting it in the bowl. Be sure to use the taller, see-through pitcher-style measuring cups with multiple lines so you can get a better measure and pour. As an example, if you're trying to measure 1 cup of water, use a measuring tool the has lines for 1 cup and 2 cups so you can see when you've reached 1 cup. Like the previous tip, this requires some sort of forethought, willingness to dirty extra dishes, and perhaps even patience, reducing its attractiveness.

- After you wrap your ball(s) of dough in plastic, flatten the ball so it will cool faster and more evenly when you put it in the fridge before rolling it out. You can also put the dough, or the pre-made pie crust, or even the pre-made pie in the freezer and keep it for about 6 months with no discernible loss in quality. If you take a pre-made pie out of the freezer you can put it directly into the oven, just add 20 minutes extra baking time to account for thawing.

- Don't roll your dough back and forth. Go out from the center in different directions, like the rays of the sun. Also, don't roll over the edge of the dough so your pin hits the surface. This can compress it oddly and lead to misshapen, cracked edges.

- Put your pan over above the dough so you can see if the dough is rolled out enough to then hang over the edges of the pan. Once the dough is rolled out properly, fold it in half, then in half again. (At this point, if you're working with the top crust, make four little steam-release cuts in the dough near the point of the triangle so you'll end up with the steam vents near the middle when you unfold the dough.) Place that rounded triangle of dough in the pan with the point of the triangle in the center, then simply unfold your dough to get it safely in the pan.

- If you're making a double-crust pie with a top crust, make sure you roll out and prepare both crusts first. Then set the bottom crust in the pan, dump in the filling, and put the top crust on right after. This allows you to pop the pie into the oven right away, which prevents the bottom crust from absorbing a lot of extra moisture from the filling.

- Use a glass/Pyrex pan for pies so you can actually see the bottom of the pie crust and ensure it's getting baked thoroughly. Also, in a conventional bottom-heated oven, put the pie on the bottom rack (not the floor of the oven but the bottom rack level) for 20 minutes to start then move it to the middle. This helps set the bottom. (If you're using a convection oven, which uses air to heat the oven equally, set the temperature about 25 degrees Fahrenheit lower than you would for a normal oven.)

- If you use frozen fruit for a pie, add up to 3 tablespoons of corn starch to thicken the filling.

- A pre-made but unbaked pie can last in the freezer for up to 6 months. Flour in a sealed container can last up to a year. Whole wheat flour should be frozen since it has the wheat germ and enzymes which can spoil easier.

- There's a white whole wheat flour which can fool whole-wheat -haters into thinking they're getting the normal stuff.

- Trivia: vanilla comes from a type of orchid native to Mexico. The plant has since been successfully grown in other countries, including Madagascar, which now produces the majority of the world's vanilla, called Madagascar-Bourbon vanilla. Bourbon refers to the region in which it's grown. I always thought it was alcoholic vanilla. I still like it, but I definitely like it less now. I'll have to add my own bourbon in the future.

Wrong Colored Food

First I heard they'd turned blueberries pink. Is this like when they try to make games for girls? Were blueberries not selling well enough with the 12-25 year old female demographic? Will they also utilize the delicate Japanese art of growing perfect apples to imprint the blue pinkberr--er, pink blueberries with Hello, Kitty symbols and further corner the lucrative squealing teen girl market?

Now I hear they've turned garlic black. Garlic finally found its much needed street cred.

Bad jokes aside, I can't wait to try these two food innovations. If it's true that, as described, the pink blueberries are "sweet and flavorful," then they sound just like normal blueberries. But looks matter too, and they'd certainly make for a nice oddity for the backyard.

If it's true that, as described, the fermented black garlic "tastes much sweeter than traditional garlic" AND "doesn't leave you with bad breath," well that's progress we can all agree on. Except for the "sweeter" part because I'm fine with the current taste of garlic and until I taste a sweeter one I'm having a hard time imagining it. Will I put it in ice cream instead of spaghetti sauce? Also, I don't know how the price compares to regular garlic cloves because I don't remember what garlic costs at the store. But I'm guessing the fermenting process plus the increased rarity of black garlic makes it more expensive. My friends are cool, and all, but are they worth it?

All this talk of wrong colored food makes me want some right tasting food (and of course makes me think of the greatest Family Guy joke ever: wrong sounding muppets). Maybe I'll make a peanut butter milkshake tonight. Or a chocolate peanut butter milkshake. Lots of recipes for "chocolate peanut butter milkshakes" call for vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce. Why not just skip the sauce and use chocolate ice cream to begin with? That's all we have, since vanilla ice cream's not worth keeping around.

Then maybe I can approximate the Colonel Parker milkshake from the UK's chain of American-style diners helpfully named "The Diner." The Colonel Parker is a hard shake, i.e. a shake with hard liquor, not a shake that isn't soft: peanut butter, vanilla ice cream, and Four Roses bourbon, and it is delightful, and will probably be even more delightful with chocolate ice cream and with any other kind of bourbon. I recently got a 1.75 liter bottle of Jim Beam white label for $5 (after rebate...$20 before rebate, which is still good, but not $5 good) from the New Hampshire liquor store, so I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Peanut Butter Topping

I don't eat much ice cream, and when I'm on my own I never keep it around. My parents' freezer is well stocked with it, though, and they often have sundaes for dessert. I've been allowing them to make me sundaes, too (see how magnanimous I am? I don't refuse their offer of ice cream nor do I deny them the joy of making sundaes for me. You can see why they keep me around).

If you're eating ice cream in a bowl, it has to be a sundae, which means it has to have some kind of topping. We use both hot fudge and caramel. "Amazing," you say, right? "What more could you need?"

I'm glad you asked.

I don't know why I thought of it recently, but all of a sudden I needed peanut butter topping, like the stuff you can get at Friendly's, but why would I want to actually go to Friendly's? I figured there must be a recipe online and I could make it myself. Then I could eat it. Then I could make some more and give it as a gift to my sister, who loves it at least as much as I do, and that way I could feel less greedy since I wouldn't be making peanut butter topping for myself per se, I'd just be testing it on myself so it'd be great when I gave it to her. Self-justification complete!

But her birthday's not until September and her Christmas isn't until December, so screw it, let's just ruin the surprise now. She'll have to make it herself, but at least this way she can pour it into her St. Paddy's Day Mint Milkshake tomorrow since I know she's got a weird thing for mint + peanut butter combos.

There weren't too many recipes out there, and even fewer had actual user feedback, so after extensive, exhaustive, grueling peanut butter topping recipe research, here's the one I went with at allrecipes.com.

Warning: do not use the recipe as listed! This is why I wanted a recipe with user feedback: almost all of the commenters exclaimed that the topping came out way too sweet. I mean, it calls for an entire CUP of white sugar to only 1/2 a cup of peanut butter. What insanity is that? So here is the revised recipe, as suggested by a few commenters and now verified by Your Pal, Adam:

Peanut Butter Topping for Ice Cream:

1/3 C sugar
1/3 C water
2/3 C smooth peanut butter

Mix together the white sugar and water in a small saucepan over high heat and bring to a boil; boil for one minute. Remove from heat and stir in the peanut butter until melted and well blended. Use a whisk or hand-blender to whip it into a nice thick sauce. Pour the warm sauce over ice cream to serve.

I wasn't sure what to expect, but this was absolutely delicious. My mom doesn't dig peanut butter the way the rest of us do, but even she enjoyed the taste she had. This made enough for a couple servings of leftovers even after my dad and I had a generous helping each -- with my mom's homemade hot fudge, of course. Sundae-making 101: always combine toppings when you have the opportunity because More = Better^2. While peanut butter topping alone is superior to hot fudge or caramel, together any of those forms an unstoppable duo (or trio if you're just gettin' wild with it). I'll let you know if there are any serious issues with reheating it after refrigerating it, but I don't expect there to be a problem.

This recipe is excellent, involves three simple ingredients, and takes roughly three minutes to throw together: one minute to bring sugar-water to a boil, one minute of boiling, and one minute of stirring/whipping. Now you have no reason to go to Friendly's. You do have another reason to exercise. (Sorry about that one.)

Edit, March 18, 2011:

The sauce keeps very well in a covered bowl in the fridge. It might have been even thicker the second time around, so if you find while microwaving it that you need to soften it up don't hesitate to stir a splash of water in there. See? It's getting healthier already.