I've Never Met An Accident I Didn't Commit

(Alternate titles: An Accident's Just A Friend You Haven't Finished Off; Accident Shmaccident--You're Dead, Whittington!)

Furthering solidifying his position as "so evil he's just got to be a movie villain," Dick Cheney went positively Wedding Crashers on a 70 year old man Saturday (click here for article).

Yes, that's right: according to BBC News, during a quail hunting expedition, Cheney "had turned round to shoot at a bird but sprayed Mr Whittington with shotgun pellets instead." Instead of the fleshy buttocks, however, Cheney went straight for the jugular, hitting his victim in the "in the cheek, neck and chest."

What set him off? Was it an insult to his ridiculous attire? Perhaps Mr. Whittington had expressed having a problem with Cheney's general attitude toward everybody here and in Iraq.

Whatever the provocation, one thing is certain: Cheney will not rest until his prey's head hangs from his wall. "The Whittington clan is overpopulated in this country and they're decimating the grubworm population," raved Cheney, flailing his shotgun around as if to indicate that the power of Christ was compelling him.

Mr. Whittington "is said to be 'alert and doing fine' in hospital," and in fact could not stop flinching and mumbling about his credentials. "I-I-I'm allowed to b-be here; I didn't...I've never, I-I've never given a fake n-name i-in my life."

When asked to comment on the actions of his second in command, an excited President Bush stammered, "Yeah, ah, ah love that scene when Dick was throwin' up in the toilet, and he told that Claire, he tells that girl to go get him some 7-Up, 'cause he's about to get invulnerable agin'!"

"The local sheriff's department is investigating the incident," reports BBC News, but then again, the local branch of Haliburton received a grant from the government to rebuild Cheney's shattered alibi, creating a potential roadblock to the capture and incarceration of Public Enemy #2.